Is the idea that we all live by a script scary for you? Have you ever felt that crawling sensation of dread when you watched The Matrix or The Truman Show and realized that the main characters have always been doing someone else’s bidding? Although we aren’t having the same lives — hopefully so, at least — we accumulate “shoulds” for our entire lives. Like collectors with precious trinkets stacked in their pockets, we take on the burden of the world’s expectations and go with it. Where is the line where our choices are what is liven really ours? Does any of them belong to us?
When we strip away expectations and rules of others, we can find something beneath them. There are choices that we didn’t make and the paths we can take. This is an adventure worth taking.
Do You Live Someone Else’s Life?
Most of us don’t just get born with a rulebook. We develop it while running after our parents’ demands and try to fit in at school. We start to follow the trends and develop social media dopamine addiction that influences our identity. We experience social pressure and allow it to layer another “should” on top of our minds.
What are the signs that you are having a life full of “shoulds”?
- You don’t care about your choices. You can achieve all the things that seem outstanding on paper, but you feel empty. Whether you fail or succeed matters little to you.
- Your decisions are all about avoiding judgment or disappointment. When you consider abandoning a specific goal, you think about how someone will be angry or sad because of that.
- You feel trapped. Whether you have a fulfilling job, a beautiful partner, or a group of friends, you feel like these are burdens.
- You keep imagining “what if.” It’s not just a dreamy-like fantasy; you actually envision dropping it all and becoming someone else. Pursuing a different goal, making an entirely other choice — all of it feels impossible but very appealing.
- Your decisions are automatic. You don’t pause to think about what you want. You just act without going deep within yourself to analyze.
These are symptoms of the strangers’ lives that we are living. And if that is your case, it’s time to reclaim your dreams.
It’s not that our dreams aren’t strong enough — it’s that our “shoulds” are stronger. So, the first and key step in making the change is learning to let go.
Write a Narrative
Create a story about a person who resembles you. Tell yourself a tale in which this person lives a life you are living, even if you make it more unrealistic or fantastic. Finish an entire life journey of this person, from start to finish, and then put it aside. How will it end for the main character? Will they die happy, knowing that they have succeeded in all they have wanted, or will they feel like they have lived in a dream?
Then, write another story — the story you long for. It doesn’t matter how wild it is. Show the moment your main character finally abandons their false path and chooses the real one.
Now that you have your story figured out a bit more, you can try a few other strategies.
Turn One Choice Around
Most of us are afraid of abandoning our responsibilities all at once, and we don’t make any changes. Why not take small steps? Is there anything you do that you don’t really like? Have you committed to a relationship that hurts you, or remain a part of a hobby group that you don’t connect with? If you aren’t ready to dig that deep, start with smaller things, such as finally picking your colors for the bed sheets or making a weekend cake that suits your tastes, not one that appeases all the others. This small transformation will empower you and show you how great it is to regain your agency.
Find People With Your Aspirations
One of the reasons social pressure works so well is that most of us are surrounded by people who conform to it. We live in the era of social media and rapid communication. Search for role models, influencers, and even simply creators who don’t fit in and who do what you want to. This can give you the confidence and show that even if others don’t approve, happiness is still possible.
Journal, Reflect, Keep Notes
Journaling is a great way to release obligations and let your inner self take over. Write about your life. Create a small page with all the “shoulds” you face during the week. Describe your efforts in transforming this. If something didn’t work out, write it down, too. Over time, you will find what works for you and which activities are a bit too boring.
Do Something Horrendously Unconventional
We’re speaking of something fun, not terrible, mind you! Are you always dressed up even on weekends? Find a funny costume and walk around in it. Honestly, it can be anything — even stepping into the elevator with your back first. Know the limits, of course, and don’t do something that will get you in trouble. You will notice that even weird choices rarely get more than a few confused stares. It’s the confines of your own mind that scared you more.
Turning Your World 180
Choosing freedom is scary, and it’s not just a phrase. It means abandoning some of the things and hard-learned lessons all of us have been through. But the moment you let go, the moment that first small block drops, the entire mountain of “shoulds” will be falling down.
